| | So... Lately, I've not been the type of man I should be. I've intentionally allowed myself to sleep in on Sundays when I thought I could get away with it. Shoot, I set alarms on my phone to remind myself to make phone calls... I double check all of my alarms every night for work, and have for years. I haven't missed an alarm in so long I can't remember it anymore. I've let my spiritual life slip... I've allowed myself to lose track of time on Sunday nights, Mondays, and Wednesdays even in the past several months, and the convictions are starting to catch up to me. I can trace the reasons for this back to a couple events that have made a significant impact on the spiritual authority of my denomination, and the churches I've attended.
I only feel at home in one church. I've tried a large number of churches and even different denominations, and it feels as though the only church which can be my home, is the one in Van Buren... 43 Assembly of God. It's too far to drive though. I'm not sure what to do about this... I can stubbornly continue at First. I have tremendous respect for the guys I work with from there, and the pastor and youth pastor themselves. I want to feel at home there but I just can't. I couldn't at Calvary so much either back when I attended there. I just don't know what to do. Every time I go back to 43, I feel like I'm walking into the only home I've had in years, yet it's too far away to attend... I don't know what to do about this... It's start to show, because the guilt coming from this conviction is starting to take a toll now.
With Krystle off campus for the summer, I'm not going to get to see her nearly as much, and now she's only 2 days from joining the Salvation Army Camp near town as a Camp counselor, which will mean an extremely decreased amount of hang-out time. It will be difficult, but it's got me kicked out of my normal routine enough that I'm refocusing onto myself, and what kind of man I should be when we meet at the altar in a couple months as husband and wife.
I need to be a true man... and this reawakening of the desire to become that is shaking me up and causing me to take notice of the ways I've let my spiritual life slip to the floor. I'm not perfect, and I've always known it, and I've always in some small way tried to change it, but I'm starting to realize just how weak-willed the attempts I've made to solve the problem have been. I have a LONG ways to go, and I need to get my rear end in gear now. It's like I'm stuck in a rut, except that I've realized the ruts I'm stuck in could possibly be train tracks... I have to get it straightened back out... I need to stop calling my sins "unsolved problems" and "difficulties" and call them what they are. It's a sin to avoid God. It's a sin to intentionally not go where I know I should be to meet him. Every time I know I should be in church, no matter which one it is, and I don't go for any reason, it's a sin. Just like now. These thoughts were welling up in me, and I'm basically skipping church now. It's not made holy because I'm listening to christian music, thinking about church, and reading christian stuff. No matter how I try to explain it, I should've gone to church, and now it's too late to go.
So, there are changes that must be made. It's as simple as that. I need to grow to become the man Krystle needs. If I'm to be the strong man she'll need to help her navigate life, I need to grow up and become more than the man I've been.
I need to be a Man of God. The kind that God can direct. And I'll never be that man until I can do the simplest of things... like visit Him at His place when we already made arrangements. |
| | Posted 5/31/2009 11:26 PM - 4 Views - 0 eProps - 0 comments
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